An Open Letter to Americans: “Canada IS Better!” Here’s Why

1. Our money is better

Yes, our bills resemble Monopoly money – but we don’t have that godforsaken $1 bill. Let’s be real; it’s super inconvenient reaching into an overstuffed wallet expecting to have tons of cash only to realize that $23 is taking up the space of $2,300. [Instead,]…we have delightful-looking dollar coins [called the “loonie”, and a two dollar coin affectionately referred to as the “toonie”].

2. Our Thanksgiving isn’t right before Christmas

Canada is colder and our winter starts earlier, so it makes sense that our harvest celebration would take place before the country is covered in its annual sheet of ice and snow…[In addition,] having our two biggest feast holidays more spaced out is just proper feast management, unlike America where literally the day after gorging on enough calories to kill a kindergarten class, the citizenry descends upon malls like a feral pack of dead-eyed consumer ghouls hunting for Playstations.

3. We invented the Caesar

America’s hangover cure is tomato juice; Canada’s hangover cure is Clamato juice [tomates and clams] which is one ingredient better. Besides, while you Americans let your Bloody Marys remain boring, and try to spice them up with ridiculous garnishes (a slice of pizza? Really?), we stick with loving what’s in the cocktail. Nothing cures hangovers like liquid clams.

5. Canadian chocolate bars rule

The soft, flowing, carmel-y goodness of the Caramilk is just one in a long line of great Canadian chocolate bars that you can’t buy in the U.S.. Others include Aero, Coffee Crisp, Crispy Crunch, Eat-More, and the bizarrely awesome Big Turk — essentially a red Turkish Delight-style gummy bear encased in chocolate. Do lame-ass Snickers have gummy bears? No. No they don’t.

9. Our bacon is tastier

Known in Canada as peameal bacon, Canadian bacon is way better than those wrinkled, sodium-drenched American-style strips. It’s leaner, often sweetened with maple, and not as saltily overpowering in a sandwich. Have yourself a Canadian BLT, and you’ll know what we’re talking about.

10. There’s universal health care

You know all those hoops you have to jump through to not only get American health insurance, but to also use it? What about if you don’t have insurance and it costs you like 14 grand to get a cast on your arm? Yeah, we don’t have to worry about all that noise, because we’ve got universal health care.

11. One word: poutine

Our quasi-national dish has taken the world by storm, and why not? It’s fries smothered in delicious cheese curds and gravy! America’s fries usually have nothing on ’em or, if you’re “lucky”, some gross processed nacho cheese. It’s a no-brainer that Poutine (pronounced Poo-tin, ya goofs) comes out on top.

12. Universally sweetened iced tea

Between the south’s sweet tea and the north’s stoic rejection of said sweetness, the U.S. is pretty divided on iced tea etiquette. Canada, on the other hand, remains united for #TeamSweetened, because taking a parched slug of a freshly poured unsweetened iced tea is… just awful.

13. Ketchup is better here

Not only is our slightly-sweeter brand of Heinz way more delicious than its American counterpart (probably because we use real sugar in ours), we’ve also got Ketchup potato chips. Bonus: true Canadians know ketchup is also the best Mac ‘n Cheese topping.

14. We own the winter

Sure it gets cold, but we Canadians continue our regular lives even through the worst winter storms — without that whole “oh no, it’s snowing; time to hole up for six weeks” so common in the States. That’s part of the reason we dominate most winter sports (more Winter Olympic medals than any country in ice hockey, freestyle skiing, and curling!).

15. Canada is freaking beautiful and ginormous

With a larger land mass than the U.S., a fraction of its people, and 79 million hectares of protected wilderness (Banff? Jasper? Those places are spec-freakin’-tacular), Canada is mad attractive from coast to coast.

16. We use the Metric System

In Canada, life is way easier because most day-to-day math equations can be solved by understanding the power of 10. Oh, you need a ridiculously complicated conversion chart to bake a cake, America? That’s too bad.

17. We have better sports trophies

Just take a look at the Stanley Cup (hockey), the Grey Cup (Canadian football), the Vanier Cup (Canadian university football), and even the Mann Cup (lacrosse). These are trophies that beg to be held aloft and then drunk from. Can you imagine drinking from the World Series trophy, which is just a bunch of flags? Get serious.

18. Our summer days are longer

One of the great benefits of our northern latitude is the incredibly long summer days. Nothing beats a Canadian summer night when the sun is still up at 10:30pm and it’s not 6,000 degrees (looking at you, Texas).

19. We speak better English

We’ve managed to retain the more proper, refined British spelling of words without sounding like butlers. That means we sound just enough like you Americans that we could come south, impress everyone with our diction, steal all your jobs, and no one would be any the wiser.

20. We invented the Wonderbra

Revolutionizing women’s underwear and paving the way for Victoria’s Secret is the crown jewel of reasons why Canada is better than the U.S.. We were light years ahead on the Wonderbra and we demand recognition. Well, not really demand, because we’re also very polite…

Editor’s Note: The author’s views and conclusions in the above article are unaltered and no personal comments have been included to maintain the integrity of the original post. Furthermore, the views, conclusions and any recommendations offered in this article are not to be construed as an endorsement of such by the editor.