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production of CATS performed by actual cats, U.S. citizens are looking for a new leader. That leader is Canada, and they want your vote for President of the United States.Since launching their video campaign, the Canada Party has gone viral, with more than a million hits on YouTube (see their hilarious video HERE) and coverage ranging from CNN and the BBC to the Huffington Post and German State Television.
Their new book, America, but Better: the Canada Party Manifesto, balances the doctrine of American exceptionalism with a dose of Canadian humility and common sense in an effort to secure Canada as the new leader of the free world, by proxy.
Here are some reviews of the book:
“The authors use humor to map the glaringly wide — and ever expanding — divide between American Democrats and Republicans, and when the duo strike a soft spot, such as America’s overestimation of its cultural and global importance, their bite is on par with that of the Daily Show, Stephen Colbert, and Bill Maher.” – Publishers Weekly
“America, But Better is a beguiling little bagatelle in a dispiriting political year, and Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert are to be thanked for adding maybe the only dash of humour to the entire proceedings…their manifesto possesses the key to reforming our politics.” – David M. Shribman, the Globe and Mail
“A hilarious book, with truth scattered throughout. Well worth a read if you enjoy humour like Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart.” – Goodreads
Below are some excerpts from the book regarding:
EDUCATION
Despite being home to some of the world’s best universities, the U.S. has an education deficit that it can barely comprehend because, well, it has an education deficit. With math and science rankings in the mid-twenties internationally, and a literacy rate below most of Eastern Europe, it would not be surprising to learn that most American teens believe the man who created the Dewey Decimal system was actually named “Dewey Decimal.”
Hey, we get it — learnin’ is hard. Numbers can add up to all sorts of things, and if you separate the letters in a word, they can be reassembled to spell an entirely different word. How is anybody supposed to concentrate with that kind of inconsistency? (See America, But Better, Chapter 3.4: “The Question of: A) Education”)
MONEY EQUALS SPEECH
The “Citizens United” decision — pithily summarized by the dystopian Charlton Heston line “Corporations are people!” — essentially allows businesses to stop putting politicians on layaway at the Congressman Outlet store and start purchasing them outright at the Bed, Bath, and Beyond Integrity around the corner.
The unforeseen side effect of turning more than 30 million businesses into people overnight was the sudden, ten-percent increase in the U.S. population, a citizenry already reeling from high unemployment and increasingly scarce resources. Who will care for these new humans? Do small businesses now have the legal protection enjoyed by dwarves? Can Abercrombie and Fitch legally wed? Who will defend Target from the NRA? (See America, But Better, Chapter 3.2: “Citizens Divided: People Are Now Corporations”)
GAY RIGHTS
Nearly half of Americans feel that marriage must solely comprise a man and a woman, no matter how gay one or both of them actually are. The cornerstone of the anti-gay-marriage argument is that sexual promiscuity among gays will destroy traditional marriage. Somehow, through a mathematical formula we have yet to grasp, this means the best way to stop gays from having multiple sexual partners is to deny them the one institution that would prevent them from having multiple sexual partners.
We accept that there are plenty of things about America that Canadians will simply never be able to grasp, so in an attempt to be fair to the type of people who think you shouldn’t be allowed to eat cake because they are on a diet, we propose that America allow one gay couple to marry for every straight couple that gets divorced. (See America, But Better, Chapter 4.2: “What to Do with ‘the Gays'”)
THE ENVIRONMENT
We of the vast, untamed northern wilderness share with our southern neighbors a fondness for pretending we give a shit about the planet. We realize that environmentalism is more a fashion statement than a devotion to actual change, but to make the fashion an actual “statement,” there needs to be a certain level of commitment, and we fear we are just not pretending hard enough.
As your democratically elected leader, Canada is committed to pretending to care about the environment just enough so your grandchildren can play outside without donning a beekeeper’s outfit and an inch-thick coating of spf 90. The world is equally doomed either way, but if we’re going to play pretend, let’s not phone it in — let’s wear the costumes and learn the dialogue to make the play as enjoyable as possible. (See America, But Better, Chapter 2.4: “Showing Nature Who’s Boss”)
IMMIGRATION
Let’s be honest — starving, oppressed foreigners don’t want food and freedom, they want exactly what the rest of us want: to become famous on a reality show, so we propose reassigning all foreign aid to the development of a global reality-television franchise.
- Why complain about U.S. military bases in your back yard when you can tune in to Keeping Up with the Kazakhstans?
- Why burn American flags in the streets when you could be home watching The Real Hutwives of Mbanza-Ngungu? Running from the KGB? Audition for Dancing with the Czars!
- Looking for an advantage over your slightly darker neighbors? Give them a roadblock in The Amazing Racism!
- Seeking a ticket out of an oppressive Middle Eastern theocracy? 1) Study up for Are You Smarter Than a Woman! Take a spin on the Wheel of Misfortune! 2) Gamble that sandwich on Meal or No Meal! 3) Toss that burka in the garbage and strut for your life on So You Think You Can Dance but You’d Better Not or We’ll Stone You in the Public Square! (See America, But Better, Chapter 2.5: “Un-American Idol: How Reality Shows Can Stop Illegal Immigration”)
GUN CONTROL
Despite Canada’s pathetic attempt to arm its civilians — a paltry 200 gun deaths in Canada each year, compared to America’s masculine 10,000+ — we recognize that the United States is steeped in gun culture, and we wouldn’t dream of infringing on Americans’ second-amendment right to live in fear of British troops rolling up on the shore to unload a shipment of Royal family commemorative plates.
For decades, guns have been slandered by left-wing bullet-dodgers as somehow being responsible for killing people when they are really just doing what they were designed to do: kill people.
As guns actually outnumber Americans now, we believe firearms are long overdue protection from the people who use them. We are pleased to announce our Bill of Rights for Guns, affectionately known around the office as “Every Gun a Loaded Gun.” (See America, But Better, Chapter 3.8: “All We Are Saying Is Give Guns a Chance”)
About the Leadership of the Canada Party:
Chris Cannon: an American writer living in Canada. He has written for outlets such as Rolling Stone, Mens Journal, and MTV, and is the author of four books on music and travel. He has also edited more than a dozen books on music and popular culture.
Brian Calvert: a Canadian actor and producer living in Canada. He has written, performed, produced and/or directed more than 60 pieces of content for TV and online. He has appeared in more than 20 commercials and several TV series. Brian is the face of the Canada Party and co-authored the book, “The Canada Party Manifesto: America, but Better.”
Devoted to restoring America to its former glory, the Canada Party will soon have the whole world chanting, “Yes We Can(ada).”
Related Articles from the munKNEE Vault:
1. An Open Letter to Americans: “Canada IS Better!” Here’s Why
Most of the rest of the world (especially the U.S.) looks at Canada as the weaker, more polite North American cousin. We’ve even gotten pretty good at playing the second fiddle over the years. That doesn’t mean, however, we don’t sneak up from time to time like Donovan Bailey and claim a few victories over our Yankee neighbours. Here are 20 ranked reasons why Canada is way better than the United States, all selected by a true Canadian.
2. What Do You Know Of Canada’s History? Here’s A Quiz
Test your knowledge of Canadian history with our online quiz. If you score 21 out of 21, it states ‘You deserve the Order of Canada’!
3. Canada Votes to Spend Itself Into Prosperity
Canada has surprisingly often been the place where the future happens first – and it’s happening again. Last Monday, Canadian voters swept the ruling Conservatives out of power, delivering a stunning victory to the center-left Liberals led by Justin Trudeau in a clear rejection of the deficit-obsessed austerity orthodoxy that has dominated political discourse across the Western world. The Liberals ran on a frankly, openly Keynesian vision, and won big.
4. Canada vs. USA: Which Is the Most Innovative Country?
An in-depth report on global innovation has been co-released by Cornell University, INSEAD, and the World Intellectual Property Organization covering a total of 141 countries that make up 98.6% of global GDP. The report uses innovation inputs and outputs to create an overall Global Innovation Index with a score for each country. Rather than comparing all countries together, we decided to look at Canada and the United States to see which of the 49th parallel neighbours is the most innovative country. Here it is!
5. Canada is a Great Place to Retire – Here’s Why
While [Green Valley] Arizona, [Naples] Florida, [Ajijic – Mexico or Mendoza – Argentina,] or some hidden island in a foreign land, might seem like the dream place to live out the end of one’s life, it turns out that Canadians just might be better off at home [and Americans and others should seriously consider emigrating to Canada sooner than later]. Here is a brief summary of the reasons why.
6. Canada’s Many Economic Advantages Make it #1 – Here’s Why
Canada’s size, political structure, and culture will enable it to – properly governed – be more resilient to world economic problems than any other developed country. [For one thing] we don’t have the extent of political polarization that… [is currently the case] in Washington…and now exacerbated to new levels in these difficult economic times – and that will, in my view, cause the U.S. to continue down an increasingly rocky economic road. [Below I put forth Canada’s economic advantages and disadvantages.]
7. U.S. Health Care Most Expensive – Yet Worst – In World! Which is the Best?
The cost of basic (and not so basic) health insurance in the U.S. is BY FAR the most expensive in the world, and certainly among its “wealthy-nation” peers, yet, while It would be logical to think that, as a result of this premium, the quality of the healthcare offered would be among the best, if not the best, in the world. Unfortunately, that would be wrong and, in fact, the reality is the complete opposite.
8. Satire At Its Best: America vs. Canada on Greed & Their Respective Banking Systems
In this irreverent clip – satire at its best – Jason Jones from Daily Show teaches regulation-loving Canadian bankers the advantages of harmless American free-market fun or, more accurately, highlights the differences between the American and Canadian banking systems and their respective perceptions on the meaning of the word “greed”. Enjoy!